Crypto Masterclass: Rug It Like A Pro

Welcome, aspiring financial illusionists! If you have ever wondered how to orchestrate a textbook rug pull, you have come to the right place.

Today, we delve into the art of the scam, a tradition upheld by countless crypto "visionaries" who turned memes into mansions. Follow these simple steps, and you, too, could become the next Rug Master.

DISCLAIMER:

• This is purely for entertainment purposes and not to be tried at home.

• Or anywhere else for that matter.

• If you want to know how to really perform a rug pull, speak to professional criminals or crypto scammers, as they know better than I!

• Pro Tip: Do consider if the jail time is worth it!

Memecoin investor attempting his first (and maybe last) exit

Step 1: Let Yourself Be Elected President of a Country

Why start small when you can go big? Get elected to high office, preferably by promising economic freedom, slashing government bloat, blablabla. Nothing builds trust quite like a politician claiming to be different while preparing to be exactly the same; just with more memes.

Since you have made it into high office, you may briefly want to decide which of the following two routes to take from here:

• The Classic: Follow the proven and tested pathway of your successors and peers. Live a life within the boundaries of perfectly legal corruption and become a centi millionaire over the course of decades by insider trading and cronyism. Die rich but unsatisfied.

  
  

• The Crypto Stunt: Legal corruption is for Boomers and old school grifters. Why grind for decades? Why not turbocharge your financial success with a good ol' meme coin rug pull and impress your peers with your ability to monetize current trends?

Step 2: Set Up the Rug

So, the rug-pull it is? Excellent choice. Let's get to it and lay the groundwork for your masterpiece and set the stage. It's as easy as 1-2-3:

• Pre-mine a significant portion of your new meme token.

  
  

• Make sure you are the largest liquidity provider on the decentralized exchange (DEX).

  
  

• Have someone trusted set up multiple accounts between which you can wash trade to create the illusion of activity. Think of it as running a laundromat—just with less detergent and more plausible deniability.

Pro Tip: Be open about the fact that it is a meme coin. This way, nobody can later claim that your coin doesn't do what it promises to do. Or, even worse, that you promised X return. You didn't do any such thing!

Fun fact: This is the "pet rock" Jamie Dimon speaks about when he keeps confusing Bitcoin with "Crypto". But I digress...

The "investors" (aka exit liquidity among seasoned scammers) might figure out that there is no utility and no value and be aware that they are buying horse manure. But lucky for you, they will still buy the shi...ny tokens. Why? Because they are greedy and convinced that they will cleverly sell just before the crash.

Yeah, I know...

Step 4: Pump! Pump! Pump!

Announce the meme coin on social. It could be openly your own coin (you need very good advisors to later get away with it) or one launched by a shadowy partner with whom you have never been photographed or otherwise associated (the strategy of choice for less well-advised Ponzi Picassos).

In your social media announcement, be vague about the purpose of your "project" or any specfics. God forbid, people might start connecting dots and claim you endorsed it! (Which you did, but let's not be obsessive-compulsively truthful here).

Now, unleash the bots. Initiate wash trades between your sock-puppet accounts to simulate demand. Have someone else (!) post screenshots of insane gains and let influencer hype take it from there. The more nonsensical the influences posts, the better.

In an ideal scenario, you don't even have to instruct influencers to hype your coin. They will spring into action all by themselves, because of the incentive structure. Helpful and self-starting idiots will spare you lots of difficulties in the unlikely event of an investigation. After all, you never asked them to do anything like this!

Pro Tip: Scammer etiquette dictates that posts absolutely must include the following emojis: 🚀🔥 The rocket symbolizes aggressive gains and the fire means that something is burning. Or something like that.

Step 5: Dump! Dump! Dump!

The greedy retail "investors" - bless their trusting hearts - are now piling in. Time for action. Initiate the dump while the bots and wash trades still keep the illusion alive. Sell into the hype and watch as charts spike and then collapse like a flan in a cupboard. The deal is on: They get the meme, you get something like ETH or SOL.

Step 6: Delete All Evidence and Play the Victim

Scrub your social media. Delete tweets. Claim you were hacked, manipulated, and misled by shadowy figures who used your good name to execute this scheme. Express sincere outrage and disappointment. Remember, you are the victim. Publicly demand accountability and launch a "full investigation" that never actually concludes.

Step 7: Rotate the Profits

Take your gains. Since solid digital currency like Bitcoin is hard to come by, you were mostly paid in semi-trashi tokens like ETH or SOL. It is now time to funnel these altcoins into more reputable assets like real estate, blue-chip stocks, or precious metals... or Bitcoin.

Use shell companies, offshore accounts, and maybe an anonymous art auction for good measure (NFT auctions work great, I heard). Open a pizza chain if you must. The harder it is to trace, the better. Who said diversification was just for honest investors?

This is money laundering you say? True, and you might go to jail for it. But at this point, isn't it a little bit too late to grow a conscience?

The Boring Moral of the Story: Bitcoin ≠ Crypto

As hilarious as these rug-pull tales may seem from afar, as painful and tragic they are for the victims, the "exit liquidity", as scammers like to call them in a more utilitarian fashion.

They underscore a crucial lesson: not all crypto is created equal. Bitcoin, with its decentralized, immutable protocol, operates worlds apart from the hype-fueled casino of altcoins and meme tokens.

Bitcoin does not have a CEO. No pre-mines. No rug pulls. It is open-source monetary technology, designed to resist manipulation by scammers and politicians alike.

So, next time someone promises a 1,000x return with "DogezillaMoon Inu," remember: the rug is always halfway pulled.

Stay skeptical, stay informed, and if you want help navigating the maze, you know who to call.